Suicidal Love Story Vol 8: Helpful Dahlia Chptr 34

DING-DANG! DING-DONG! echoed the ringing bells of midnight. Next thing I know it instantly became dark! Black as night sky hung over me! I must been walking alone for hours and by now I was in a graveyard, Naturally the bells rang and so I was in the vicinity of a church, in the background there was dim organ music playing. A leaf crunched at the bottom of my feet as a strode off into the darkness. For some reason I became afraid, very afraid! One foot after the other, I sped up and quickly I ran and ran like a shitty coward, my heartpounding against the cage of my ribs as I was trying to escape for an exit out of the cemetery! I did not want to be in a place where the dead rested! A place where they can rise up to torment me!

I breathed a sigh of defeat as I could see no one in sight, I looked around and seen the church up ahead so I made my way to it until I heard someone clapping in the darkness, I paused, stood still and eventually turned around and noticed a familiar figure. Kaoru! His eyes glinted red and he smiled with smugness. “She’s not here to help you now” He laughed at me, I beaten him before, I’ll do it a hundred times no matter what!
Kaoru, or should I say the shadow of my imagination, a ghost of him spoke to me “Remember, you are still cursed, so far you have not found one woman to truly love you, they only show you the wrong kind of warmth and even now you manipulated the good ones to hate you”
Kaoru smiled at me “What if you are insane?”
I understood what he meant, what if Kaoru never existed, and it was just something hiding a more traumatic and terrifying truth? “But you are real, I’m not insane, I have the memories for that?” Wait, what if those memories were not real, a false illusion?
“Reality is only as real as your mind tells you it is” A familiar voice came to me, Richard!
He continued again “It’s not about the memories, sure you’ll make more and forget them, but it’s not the memories that make it real, it’s the feelings you had between the memories”.

Kaoru laughed and mocked me imitating my voice “Where am I? Who am I?”
I looked at him, knowing those words are mine, my eyes widened.
Kaoru gives off a warm smile “Remember that coma you was in, when you woke up and lost your memory? You had no idea what was real or fake but you made it so, you decided to see with your own eyes and feel with your touch, that’s what made it real”.
Richard interjected “Your feelings are yours alone, what you felt, thought and believed are merely your own interpretations. I believe it is real therefore it was real”
Kaoru walked closer to me, his presence non-threatening “Cogito ergo sum, better known as Je pense donc je suis; I think therefore I am. You felt guilty because I died and so you buried those feelings of guilt deep down within you, hated yourself for it, you despised the thought that you killed me, the fight in the rain was the final nail in the coffin that drove me to commit suicide”.

Kaoru opened his arms to me and with the evermost delicate ease within his voice spoke “Jin, I never said you don’t deserve love and that you’re cursed never to feel the warmth of a loving embrace in a happy relationship. You implanted that memory into yourself so you could endure your survivor guilt”

My eyes widened! My hands shaking! I gritted my teeth and covered my sight with the palm of my right hand. So it was true, he never did say that. If so what about Jia-Li? Was that all fake, her looks and mysterious curiosity, was it all in my mind, did she have a crush on me? Or did I implant that so I would not be destroyed by the guilt? An enormous fear swelled up inside my heart.
“Wrong” Richard jutted in. “That fear in your heart. Did you love her? The feelings you had for her was created by something else, as long as you have the feelings, what you felt will always be real. You know deep down you would not love a person unless they shown you that they could love you. A safety precaution, you won’t give your heart out to someone if they could hurt you. It’s the reason you fell for her, because you believed she could believe in you, you believed she was interested in you despite not knowing the truth.”
That’s what made Jia-li so special, her compassion and way of looking inside your heart; she could break all your walls and show you a side you would never know. She could destroy the walls I built for myself and with ease sooth my guilt.
Richard looked at me in sadness and spoke “Because of that you chose Jia-li to hate you and manipulated her to despise you, it was your guilt that made it so, you could not stand someone adoring you in that way”

Kaoru gazed into the moonlight sky, the light shining onto his white chalked face “You were fated for this; you could not stop it from happening. You chose this. Life is just a stage and you’ve played your part very well however the show is not over, this is only the first act”

I mumbled to myself knowing that I got lost thanks to that stupid promise of never falling in love and that it only drowned me into this state. Kaoru leaned his head towards me “What about the promise of never fighting again? You’ll still live by it. What about these dreams and nightmares?”

Richard nodded in approval, “Yeah Jin, just because this is a nightmare does not mean it is fake, the fact that we’re all here and having this discussion is your mind giving you therapy. Thus you having this nightmare, is telling you what happened and what didn’t”. Kaoru greeted me with glinting red eyes and fangs “Hey the show is not over, act it out and that me see the final scene!”

“I’ll never fall in love again” what a stupid thing to say while in guilt! Yet it was love that kind of saved me.  Richard ran up to Kaoru and grabbed him from behind. “Are you going to be okay my friend?” he asked looking concerned while Kaoru struggled, I smiled “Yeah, I’m not feeling guilty anymore” and he smiled with glee back at me “It’s about time you stop having these nightmares!”
He grabbed hold off Kaoru pushing him into the shadows, as he pulled him away from me, Kaoru’s mouth began to froth and spill blood.
His face, as he smiled was decaying and becoming the picture of morality and death itself yet both of them fading away into the darkness, both going deeper and deeper into the darkness of my soul. This horrid nightmare ended at last!

Although the nightmares in my mind had ended, a new figure would haunt my dreams and as Kaoru mentioned I had to show the continuation of the play. Again, I thought it would be the end yet my calm and peaceful days would not last for long. A battle was dawning and I was not out of the woods yet, a new nightmare was around the corner, one I could not wake up from and I had to face up to the reality I had created. Three women, Jiao, Jung and Jia-Li was about to go on a rollercoaster with me and I was the one in front.